"From my soul comes MY truth"

 

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Let me begin by opening my wings and unloading my closet with a testimony:

The Reason Why I Smile

One Summer morning
I was awaken by my past
reminding me
Haunting me
Of my tragedies:

At four
I was hit by a car
breaking every bone in my body
collapsing my lungs
Some say I even saw the LIGHT
and died

My father was murdered
when I was five
but his body wasn't found
until I was six

One week
before my eighteen year old cousin
who was like my brother
had a seizure
in a swimming pool
and died

In the 90s
another close cousin
was murdered
in The St. Aubin Street Massacre

I was 17 when my grandmother died
My mother got sick
causing my heart to freeze with fear of losing her as well

My grandfather
died
in '98

In November 2002
I was drugged and raped
by 3 dudes
for years blaming myself for the event

In March 2003
I was shot in the face
leaving me partially blinded
in my right eye
with fractured bones
and numbness
from the nerves being shot out

Between 2007 and 2008
I lost my job
My house
My SUV
I popped a pill too many
for several months
ended up
in the mental ward
of the hospital
thought I'd lose my MIND

The reason why I SMILE
Has nothing to do with the sun rising
Many times
I asked
begged
prayed
for my sun NOT to rise
“LORD
let me live amongst the Angels
I'll b more productive that way”


Many nights
I kneeled in submission
LORD
“I don't care how I go
just bring me to YOU
I can no longer DO LIFE
I'm hating mine!”

The reason why I SMILE
THE LORD saw strength in my struggles
HE knew that which does not KILL me only strengthens me
HE never puts more on you than you can bear
I knew all of that and read all of that
Most times I truly believed
HE had it wrong?

The reason why I SMILE
GOD placed his GOoDness inside me
Forced me to press on
through the heartaches
and heartbreaks
through the friendly betrayals
and back stabbings
through the denial
of the pursuit
of my own dreams
Press on when every other thing in my life
seemed to be failing

The reason why I SMILE
Has nothing to do with waking up in the morning
But EVERYTHING to do
with surviving the hell
I felt during my nights

The reason why I SMILE
Is the same reason
I remain
Open
Unashamed
Honest
Hopeful

The reason why I SMILE
HE saw my strength when I thought I was weak
HE saw my heart growing while I was tearing it apart
HE saw this dirty pearl
and filthy piece of coal
Allowing a diamond to emerge

The reason why I SMILE
HE put a song in my heart
I did not ask for
HE brought me
through
and allowed me to rise
not after 3 days
but after several decades
of living with depression
giving me a heart warming
smile

HE allowed me to climb out
of the pits
of hell
set me on top of THIS world
Making me BEYOND this world
as a tool to bring JOY

I am not here
because I am good
I am here
because HE is good
and said IT was good
Time and time again
my life spared
For HIS Glory
Proclaiming to those in need:
You too will survive

The reason why I SMILE
I smile because I forgot HOW to frown
BUT even my frowns would be upside down

I smile because I am NOW happy
Filled with joy
No longer holding my head down
about my past

I smile
because I walked
laid
sat
slept
in the fire
came out
WHOLE and forgiven
SINS forgotten
No longer ashamed
of what the world would think
if they knew about me

Giving the devil my most prestigious finger
I praise GOD
claiming:
It was written
I'm a survivor
continuously striving
to thrive
in this jungle
while you unsuccessfully attempt
to steal that which u fell from:
His Mercy
His Love
His Grace
With hate tried to replace
My smile is GOlDen
I'm His Beholden
proving anyone can be saved
from any situation

My smile is a display of my heart
created for His Glory and my salvation

The Reason Why I Smile
is simply
JESUS smiling
through me
giving me a Peace
running completely
through me

Evil kept me down
in the past
My future
is my present
It is my crown
GOD gave me the victory
I give my smile as gratitude

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